Wednesday, February 23, 2011

E!'s New Series: Kim Kardashian and the Ass of Doom

My parents watch Entertainment Tonight religiously.  It has been this way since John Tesh was the co-host.  I personally cannot stand to listen to it for more than a minute because the people on there are asinine and most of the stuff they cover isn't worth covering; essentially, they are TMZ with a bigger budget.  I personally love how they take things that actually would be interesting and turn it into complete and total drivel.  Excited about seeing Thor or Captain America?  Then you haven't watched ET's coverage of it.  Here is how a typical interview goes down:

ET: So, Chris Hemsworth, you got really big to play Thor...
CH: Yeah, I had to workout three times a day and eat...
ET: Yeah, yeah, that's nice.  What do you think of the fat chick on Glee?
CH: What does that have to do with the movie I'm pro-
ET: Do you think having a fat chick on primetime television will change the way the public views fatties?
CH: Uh...I don't know.  Maybe?
ET: That's great.  Hold on Chris.  BREAKING NEWS!  Justin Bieber got a hair cut!

Rosie O'Donnell with a young k.d. lang

Which leads me to Kim Kardashian (I knew you were wondering how the title tied into this), who gets just as much coverage as Bieber, Kate Gosselin, and Lindsay Lohan's crazy ass.

Remember when the thought of doing her didn't remind you of sticking your wang in a sewage pipe?

The reason she gets so much coverage because she bounces from guy to guy like a big-assed pong ball being slapped around by a bunch of football players' penises.  But, part of me wonders if there is a method to her serial-dating madness that coincides with the largeness of her butt.  What if, in order to stay alive, she must feed on the souls of others, storing their lifeforce in her derriere?


Yeah, that makes sense.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Life and Times in San Antonio, Pt. 1.5

My fiancee and I talk sometimes about what we miss from San Antonio, and there are a quite a few things that make up that list: we miss how everything we could possibly need was within five minutes from our apartment; we miss the high-quality movie theaters and Mexican restaurants (La Foghata!); we miss the special events at the Alamo Drafthouse (one night, they had a Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz double feature as well as an Army of Darkness Quote-A-Long with pop guns); we miss how our apartment was Pizza Hut-adjacent; we miss the multiple comic book shops that we could go and blow our non existent money (okay, that was just for me).

However, there is one thing I miss more than all of these things put together between Salma Hayek's beautiful, penis-bouncing C-cups...

The Telemundo Weather Report on regular, broadcast television!


Dios nos bendigas a todos!

Monday, February 7, 2011

What If? One (Blazed) Love

If you haven't heard, Bob Marley's daughter, Cedella, is partnering with Puma to design the 2012 Jamaican Olympic Track & Field uniforms.  It made me wonder what would happen if Ms. Marley combined peak athleticism with what most white teens and twenty-somethings think of when they hear Bob Marley.

And here's the result:


Beautiful, isn't it?  Here's hoping I don't get sued.

NEXT:  TBD

Saturday, February 5, 2011

What If? Purgaritaville

As most have heard, Jimmy Buffett fell off a stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia, on Jan. 26.  He received a cut on his head that required a few stitches.

However, I wonder...

What If Jimmy Buffett Hadn't Survived the Fall?


Next Post:  Usain Bolt's New Track Suit

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

America the Not-So-Well-Endowed

Being unemployed has given me a lot of time to reflect on the life and times in 21st-Century America.  During this time, I have pondered a great many things while waiting for my phone to ring with a job (Currently, I am 1 for 1000).  Fortunately, I have found the answer to a question that has plagued me since my sojourn into exile from the working began:

If Florida is America's Wang, then where is America's Balls?

A query that has plagued Stephen Hawking for years.

Fortunately, I have the answer:

Southwest Alabama

Now, I know this is very hard to grasp, being we've got football, Florida, the best military in the world, and the Washington monument all demonstrating that America has a huge penis (also, the Japanese agree).  However, we're not packing much in the gnadal region.  I mean, look at them.  They are so small, so tiny.  No wonder our country is so phallocentric; we have to keep the attention away from a short, shriveled, semi-retarded nutsack.

Just like the useless sperm that act as lead-blockers for the good ones.

But, you know what?  That is fine.  Actually, it is not a problem.  If you look at the last ten presidential elections, you will find that Alabama has voted Democrat once.  You know what that means...

"Oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain..."

Next Post:  What If...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Top 9 Jobs I'm Qualified For Now That I Have an M.A. in English

Some of you might've seen these before, but I've revamped them using the aforementioned photoshop program.  However, no matter what, I present to you...

The Top 9 Jobs I'm Qualified For Now That I Have an M.A. in English

#9: Kill the Entire Cast of Twilight

#8: Amanda Seyfried's Eye Wrangler

#7: Hunchback of Moulton Tower
 
#6: Test Subject for Nutritional Supplement Co.
#5: Cougar Wrangler

#4: Start Roadside Fruit Stand

#3: Create New Male Lounge-wear Company

#2:  Trojan Condom Tester

#1: Porn Set Nipple Tweaker

Thank you very much for checking out my blog.  I'll try to put some more stuff up later.  In the mean time, check out Gutters, a satirical view of the comic book industry, as well as The Oatmeal, which is a really cool site that has a ton of different topics it tackles.

Til next time.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Something a Little Different: Dead Rising 2: Case West Review

I have to admit, I like zombies.

Out of all of the horror creature canon, I think zombies are far and away the best.  They are better than vampires, werewolves, Frankensteins, and creatures from colored lagoons.

Jury's still out on Blaculas

While the visuals of each are what keep each prevalent (gotta dress like something for Halloween), it is what they represent that makes them so timeless.  The vampire represents sexual desire and rape; Frankenstein monsters represent the dark side of science; and, werewolves represent our animal impulses left unchecked.

These are the classic monsters; the ones that made Karloff and Lugosi household names.  Their popularity waxes and wanes based on our society's interest and what film companies think will get teen and tween girls to wet their panties.
 Oh shit!  It's Powder!
Zombies, according to the man who turned them from West-African urban legend to postmodern cash cow, George Romero, represent "criticize real-world social ills—such as government ineptitude, bioengineering, slavery, greed and exploitation."  Zombies, unlike the others, are a byproduct as opposed to the primary cause (you never have to kill the Head Zombie to end an invasion, do you?).

Which leads me to my two favorite works of the modern zombie: The Walking Dead and Dead Rising.

What I like about both franchises is the zombies turn into a mirror that reflects the true nature of mankind.  Sure, every once in a while someone get eaten or turned into a zombie, and a lot of times people are putting slugs in the back of zombie brainstems; yet, that's just icing on the cake.  The real show is watching how the people respond not only to the zombies, but to each other.

This is something that Dead Rising does very well.  The first one centered around journalist Frank West getting to the bottom of an outbreak in Willamette, Colorado.  While it is awesome to spend countless hours bashing brains with everything from a baseball bat to a mannequin, the best part of the game was Frank's interactions with the supporting characters, survivors, and psychopaths that litter the story.  Also, the multiple ending and copious amounts of achievements led to a high replay value that never felt tedious or boring.

And dare I say, dead sexy?

To set up the sequel and tie the events of the first game into the second, we were given Dead Rising 2: Case Zero, which introduced us to the new leading man, Chuck Greene.  It's purpose was to show us the world a few years removed from DR1 as well as give us an introduction to both Chuck and the new weapon system.  Everything was set for an awesome new adventure in this electronic Zombieland.

Unfortunately, Dead Rising 2 suffered a slight case of Sequelitis.  While I enjoyed the Chuck and the advent of the combo weapon system (as well as finally seeing what Wolverine would be like during a zombie apocalypse), the game seemed like a carbon copy that lacked the heart and the creativity of the first.

Nevertheless, when Capcom announced Dead Rising 2: Case West for $10 on Xbox Live, I was once again giddy at the prospect of slaying more zombies, especially with the inclusion of DR1 hero Frank West.

And, I have to say, I really enjoyed the three brief missions I had with the two.

What I love about Case West is the interaction between the two characters as the infiltrate a lab used to create ways to treat those infected by the zombie outbreak.  The back and forth banter makes the team up a lot of fun.  I also appreciate the fact they aren't just whacking zombies this time around.  Taking a cue from the original, our intrepid heroes get to go toe-to-to with at least three different types of human antagonists.  This is something I missed from DR2 and perhaps why I felt a disconnect from it.  Having to contend with people with guns forces the player to incorporate more of a strategy than swinging for the fences.

Although, it does work for some.

Another thing I enjoyed was not having to save anyone.  I'm not saying there aren't people that Frank and Chuck have to help, but they don't become escort missions.  This is something that became incredibly tedious about DR2 as I felt the majority of the game was devoted to finding all of these people.  While escorts were involved in DR1, it was clearly secondary to the story.  However, unlike the prior two games, there is a twist: the survivors aren't marked on the maps like before.  The only way to find them is to run across them during gameplay.  This definitely adds to the replay value since you might want to go back through to find them all for the achievements.

A wonderful improvement made between DR2 and CW is the loading time between sections.  Traveling between the different areas of the mall and casinos in DR2 was horrible; one had time to take a restroom break, make dinner, and do his/her taxes before the game returned.  Which is great when you haven't saved at any point during the last seven hours of gaming and you think the thing might have froze, leaving you a broken pile of sweat and Cheeto dust.  The quicker loading times make the overall experience a lot more enjoyable.

The gameplay is similar to DR2.  If you have played it, then creating combo weapons and kicking zombie ass is old hat. However, Frank's camera returns.  Yet, unlike the first game, the camera doesn't really serve a purpose save for achievement hunting.  Even though it's a nice touch, it is completely unnecessary.

  Although Chuck's been meaning to update his Facebook pic.

A major issue I have with CW is, if you play solo, you can only use one of the Chuck.  This is completely inexcusable for a couple of reasons.  Personally, I'm not a fan of multiplayer (although I have enjoyed Red Dead Redemption's co-op missions), and I feel like Capcom is trying to strong-arm those who buy the game into online multiplayer.  Not only that, but some of the weapons in the game can only reach full power if being used by Frank, meaning you have to go into someone else's game to play as Frank in order to get them.  While the multiplayer is a LOT better than DR2's (where it is your Chuck and someone else's Chuck wreaking havoc), I don't like feeling forced into it.  There should have been some sort of button you could push to switch between the two men.  Quite honestly, I would have preferred to play as Frank because I like his move-set better than Chuck's.

You call that a gun?

I also have a problem with the lack of bosses.  In DR2: Case Zero, Chuck had to fight a mechanic hellbent on eradicating the zombie problem one little six-year-old at a time.  He had a story.  He was interesting.  He was difficult.  He got blown to bits by my sniper rifle.  The two boss battles in this CW (and saying there were two is being generous) were lacking.  The first one is essentially an introduction of human baddies you get to contend with for the rest of the game.  It was fun, but it wasn't an honest to god boss battle like, say, the LesbiTwins from DR2.

Let's hear it for the Scissor Sisters!!!

The second boss (the real boss) was basically Bane from Arkham Asylum; a huge, hulking berserker trying to turn you into Ground Chuck -- or, Ballpark Franks (see what I did there?  I know, not funny).  There isn't any of that crazy psycho rationale from the previous games.  He isn't even that difficult considering the CPU-controlled character is invincible.  Hook Frank up with a powerful melee weapon and pick the boss off with a ranged weapon and it's game over.

Fortunately, the reveal at the end gives leaves the Dead Rising saga open-ended, allowing for a third full-length game that directly ties the two prior together and (potentially) create a nice ending to the series.

Overall, I give this game a 7.5 out of 10.  If you enjoyed the previous two games, you will enjoy this one.  If you don't feel like shelling out $10 bucks, then you aren't missing much.  If anything, it serves as a nice epilogue to the DR2 as well as directly linking it to the original while giving a direction to a possible third game.