E!'s New Series: Kim Kardashian and the Ass of Doom

My parents watch Entertainment Tonight religiously.  It has been this way since John Tesh was the co-host.  I personally cannot stand to listen to it for more than a minute because the people on there are asinine and most of the stuff they cover isn't worth covering; essentially, they are TMZ with a bigger budget.  I personally love how they take things that actually would be interesting and turn it into complete and total drivel.  Excited about seeing Thor or Captain America?  Then you haven't watched ET's coverage of it.  Here is how a typical interview goes down:

ET: So, Chris Hemsworth, you got really big to play Thor...
CH: Yeah, I had to workout three times a day and eat...
ET: Yeah, yeah, that's nice.  What do you think of the fat chick on Glee?
CH: What does that have to do with the movie I'm pro-
ET: Do you think having a fat chick on primetime television will change the way the public views fatties?
CH: Uh...I don't know.  Maybe?
ET: That's great.  Hold on Chris.  BREAKING NEWS!  Justin Bieber got a hair cut!

Rosie O'Donnell with a young k.d. lang

Which leads me to Kim Kardashian (I knew you were wondering how the title tied into this), who gets just as much coverage as Bieber, Kate Gosselin, and Lindsay Lohan's crazy ass.

Remember when the thought of doing her didn't remind you of sticking your wang in a sewage pipe?

The reason she gets so much coverage because she bounces from guy to guy like a big-assed pong ball being slapped around by a bunch of football players' penises.  But, part of me wonders if there is a method to her serial-dating madness that coincides with the largeness of her butt.  What if, in order to stay alive, she must feed on the souls of others, storing their lifeforce in her derriere?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Life and Times in San Antonio, Pt. 1.5

My fiancee and I talk sometimes about what we miss from San Antonio, and there are a quite a few things that make up that list: we miss how everything we could possibly need was within five minutes from our apartment; we miss the high-quality movie theaters and Mexican restaurants (La Foghata!); we miss the special events at the Alamo Drafthouse (one night, they had a Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz double feature as well as an Army of Darkness Quote-A-Long with pop guns); we miss how our apartment was Pizza Hut-adjacent; we miss the multiple comic book shops that we could go and blow our non existent money (okay, that was just for me).

However, there is one thing I miss more than all of these things put together between Salma Hayek's beautiful, penis-bouncing C-cups...

The Telemundo Weather Report on regular, broadcast television!

Dios nos bendigas a todos!

What If? One (Blazed) Love

If you haven't heard, Bob Marley's daughter, Cedella, is partnering with Puma to design the 2012 Jamaican Olympic Track & Field uniforms.  It made me wonder what would happen if Ms. Marley combined peak athleticism with what most white teens and twenty-somethings think of when they hear Bob Marley.

And here's the result:

Beautiful, isn't it?  Here's hoping I don't get sued.

NEXT:  TBD

What If? Purgaritaville

As most have heard, Jimmy Buffett fell off a stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia, on Jan. 26.  He received a cut on his head that required a few stitches.

However, I wonder...

What If Jimmy Buffett Hadn't Survived the Fall?

Next Post:  Usain Bolt's New Track Suit

America the Not-So-Well-Endowed

Being unemployed has given me a lot of time to reflect on the life and times in 21st-Century America.  During this time, I have pondered a great many things while waiting for my phone to ring with a job (Currently, I am 1 for 1000).  Fortunately, I have found the answer to a question that has plagued me since my sojourn into exile from the working began:

If Florida is America's Wang, then where is America's Balls?

A query that has plagued Stephen Hawking for years.

Fortunately, I have the answer:

Southwest Alabama

Now, I know this is very hard to grasp, being we've got football, Florida, the best military in the world, and the Washington monument all demonstrating that America has a huge penis (also, the Japanese agree).  However, we're not packing much in the gnadal region.  I mean, look at them.  They are so small, so tiny.  No wonder our country is so phallocentric; we have to keep the attention away from a short, shriveled, semi-retarded nutsack.

Just like the useless sperm that act as lead-blockers for the good ones.

But, you know what?  That is fine.  Actually, it is not a problem.  If you look at the last ten presidential elections, you will find that Alabama has voted Democrat once.  You know what that means...

"Oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain..."

Next Post:  What If...